Creaky Wheel

Can a brother PLEASE get some secret service up in this mug?

Thanksgiving Day to Be Re-Named This Sucks Day

Flanked by Senior White House Advisor David Axelrod and White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, President Obama formally announced Wednesday that, beginning in November of 2010, the quintessentially American holiday known as Thanksgiving will have its name permanently changed to This Sucks Day. 

Standing in the White House Rose Garden amid scores of schoolchildren clad in pilgrim outfits and Native American head dress, Obama added that the holiday's date will still be observed on the final Thursday in November of each year and will continue largely unaltered, aside from the obvious name change and "a few minor modifications."

"There are two great things about national holidays," said Obama. "One is that they offer us a snapshot in time of our entire culture. Another is that, while great, they often evolve, improving with age, becoming more inclusive and rich with a whole array of new customs and traditions. Except for Columbus Day."

Obama, suffering through a precipitous decline in his overall approval ratings, rationalized his decision to have the 250-year-old national holiday re-named by asserting that "Right now, the American public is having to endure a perfect storm of unfortunate circumstances, and it's important for people to feel as though they have a personal stake in this great country once again."

Obama added, "As for the continuing traditions of Thanksgi - er - This Sucks Day, we'll let the people decide which ones fall by the wayside and which ones remain firmly embedded in the fabric of this country's rich cultural tapestry."

The permanent name change, a cross-promotion between the Obama administration, Yahoo, and the Wendy's hamburger chain, was chosen via a poll over past week by users visiting Yahoo's home page or customers patronizing participating Wendy's restaurants. User interest had initially flagged, due to a concurrent Yahoo poll asking "Who's hotter: Taylor or Robert?" But after that poll ended and then another one - which asked "What's your favorite color?" - concluded a day later, the Thanksgiving name change poll gathered significant momentum.

And the new name seems to have captured many of the fears and insecurities of a nation in turmoil. Rex Davies, an unemployed laborer from Fresno, California embraced it unequivocally. "Well it's true, ain't it? The economy sucks, the war in Iran sucks, my job sucks, my wife doesn't suck, my house sucks, Obama sucks, and them Moslems suck. My only question is, what doesn't suck - other than Hot Pockets?"

Said Bruce Pallard, a 45-year-old former DMV Worker from Orlando, Florida, who is currently housebound, "I bought some of those Lean Cuisines, on account of my morbid obesity; even though on the box it says cooks in 3-4 minutes, when I took 'em out of the microwave, all six of them was luke warm! So then I was all, screw this noise, I'm gonna get me some Hometown."

Donya West, a senior at Kennedy High School in La Jolla, California, also approved of the name change. "I hate having to be thankful every single year. Why should I when everything always sucks so bad. Like, I download two apps yesterday and now somehow they both don't show up on my I-phone - as in neither one. By the way, don't get an I-phone, unless you want at least one dropped call a week. It's friggin' pathetic. Everyone at Apple and AT&T needs to get blown up."

Homemaker Heather Cummings, from Manhattan Beach, CA is credited with the suggestion of This Sucks Day and says its inspiration derived from her dissatisfaction with her cable service. "I had just gotten into a big argument with my nanny over her bringing the kids home too soon, and I just needed to to center myself before having to look at their faces for the rest of the day. So, right as I sat down to watch my Tivo'd Dr. Phil, the cable went completely out. Completely. For seven minutes - I timed it. 

Cummings added that the temporary outage had been due to a Comcast maintenance worker's fatal electrocution while tending to a live cable wire.

Said a somber Brian Roberts, Comcast Cable's acting president and CEO, from his holiday compound in Martha's Vinyard, "For some reason, that entire street was not receiving Encore Wam in hi-def, which is obviously unacceptable. So we had one of our best people go up and check on the wire connection and, well, the wire wasn't connected."

"And that's unfortunate," said Cummings, "but it's no reason to leave your customers lurching in the wind for seven straight minutes without any explanation or apology. And that's when it occurred to me: This sucks."

The holiday's newfound spirit was instantly evident in a West Los Angeles Gap clothing store, as frazzled employees girded for the store's annual black friday sale extravaganza. 

Customer Maria Watkins, a consultant from Culver City CA, said, "So they have signs all over the store that say, '50% off all sweaters of every size and color.' So, okay, I go through their stack of cardigans. They have my size, but not in gray. So then, walk all the way across the width of the store to tell the sales girl, who tells me that everything they have is out on the floor. So I tell her to check the stock room; she insists there are no more sweaters back there. So I tell her to check again. So she does. And then, a whole five minutes later, she comes back to tell me that - and get this - there are no more sweaters of any kind in the stock room! All that waiting for nothing! She said she could call the Sherman Oaks Gap to see if they had any in stock, but, in all honesty, I only go into the Valley to get my Mexican food or my brakes checked."

Watkins' eyes filled with tears of frustration. "So here I am, standing in the middle of a crowded Gap, amidst all these signs that tell me I can have any sweater I want, in any color - only they don't have gray. How do you have..." 

Watkins then gathered a stack of sweaters and, one-by-one. flung them across the store. "...tope, and beige, and bright green, and whore red but not gray? How? This completely sucks. Day ruined."

As Watkins stormed out, Benjamin Simon, an optometrist from nearby Silver Lake, claimed that he had been waiting four minutes for a fitting room to try on a assortment of striped henleys. "I will walk out," Simon insisted, "Just try me." 

And at a nearby Macaroni Grill restaurant, patron Peter Barnes fumed over the artificial sweetener options inside his table's sugar caddy. "I asked specifically for Stevia," said Barnes. "and so the waiter brings me back a handful of  - get this - Equal. Not Splenda, not Truvia. Nope. He comes back after god-knows-how-long and gives me a handful of these cancer packets. That's great. I hope they plan on footing the bill for my chemo. Oh, and in case anyone needed to know, this place sucks."

Not surprisingly, many families gathering for early Thanksgiving festivities had decided to embrace the holiday's new name change and spirit a year ahead of time. The holiday's nascent traditions were evident at the Pierce family's dinner table, as the Roanoke, Virginia family joined hands for grace.  

"Let us all take a moment," said Donovan Pierce, a software developer and father of four, "to project all of our bitterness, disappointment, and resentment unto all the people and forces in this universe that are responsible for our lives' complete lack of joy and meaning. Especially God. Amen."

Nonetheless, for many traditionalists, the impetus behind the name-change was initially unclear. "I've always found it important to be able to reflect on Thanksgiving as a time for clarity, for perspective, and for appreciation for what one does have," said Elmer DuPree, a 61-year-old former POW of theVietnam War, from his room at James A. Haley Veteran's Hospital in Tampa, Florida. 

"Back in Hanoi, when the Cong was snuffing out lit cigarettes on my already decaying flesh, I was downright unhappy," said DuPree. "And then, when they put me in solitary confinement for three years, with no human contact whatsoever, well, let's just say I was pretty down in the dumps over that, too. But going through all that just helps me appreciate how good I have it right now." 

DuPree then looked up, staring blankly out his window. "On the other hand, the fact that this godforsaken shithole has only seven Wi-fi hot spots has scarred my in ways that you can't even fathom."

According to Yahoo's polling results, the name This Sucks Day received a 22 percent share of the votes, edging out This Is Stupid Day (18 percent), What Are You Looking At Day (14 percent), It Is What It Is Day (12 percent), Bring It, Bitches Day (10 percent) WTF??!! Day (8 percent), Seriously: What's In It For Me Day (6 percent) Don't Go Their (sic) Day (5 percent), This is Boring Day (3 percent) and Ooh, Tater Tots Day (1 percent)

Although Obama has chosen to take a hands-off approach to officially instituting new traditions for This Sucks Day, members of both Houses of Congress had resolved late Wednesday evening to forgo their brief holiday recess, instead allotting the time to carve out non-binding legislation that establishes and reinforces the holiday's newest observance guidelines.

This is more like it, said ebullient House Minority leader John Boehner (R-Ohio). "Regulating the activities and behaviors of corporations and institutions is irresponsible, heavy-handed, Socialistic, and anti-American. Regulating the activities and behaviors of individual citizens, on the other hand, is what this country was founded upon. God bless America." 

When it was suggested that the morale of American citizens might benefit equally - if not more so - from tax rebates, harsher punishments placed on unethical corporate CEOs, or free universal health care - White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, "Hmm, that's funny: I thought someone said, just before the briefing, that they wanted Bono tickets. I guess that was just my imagination."

 

French Navy Thought Somali Pirates Would Be "Way More Pirate-y"

French naval officers and their crew were visibly shaken yesterday after the seizure of 37 Somali sea pirates, who had previously been at large for the crimes of grand larceny, blackmail, and hostage abduction. French navy Counter Admiral Pierre La Pennes seemed to echo the sentiment of his bemused crew when he called the notorious Somali marauders "the most pathetic excuse for seagoing terrorists I've ever seen.

La Pennes added that he and his crew were confounded by the Somalis' uncharacteristic behavior and appearance.

"There wasn't a whole lot of pillaging or plundering going on here, at least on this ship," said the decorated French naval officer. "When we boarded the stolen vessel, the first thing their captain asked me was if any good indy films had come out in the past six months. I said "Precious" was supposed to be good, though I hadn't seen it yet. Then he showed me a bootleg copy of "Fantastic Mr. Fox" and said he was a huge fan of Wes Anderson, which I guess is fine. But what's so piratey about that?"

"So much for yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum," said Jacque Breau, the French navy ship's First Petty Officer, who, in the process of apprehending the alleged pirates, first had to interrupt a crew-wide Wii Fit tournament.

Said Breau, "I said, 'Let's go, let's go: I'm arresting all your asses,' and they just kept turning to me and saying, 'In a minute - just until we unlock side lunges.'"

As they vetted the pirate's vessel, a stolen commerial yacht named Altania, the French crew discovered food provisions that included Healthy Choice Stuffed Shells Dinners, Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal, and Trader Joe's Fair Trade Organic Coffee. Said the Somali captain, "If I don't have at least two cups of that black gold in the morning, I'm absolutely worthless."

"I think we all knew we were in for big-time disappointment when, upon apprehending Captian Damimi, he said he had to go back to his cabin to get his Claritin," said Breau.

La Pennes described the seizure of the notorious Damimi as "anti-climactic, at best," adding, "At first, he was holed up in the bottom cabin. We caught the unmistakable smell of death emanating from in there and just assumed there were dead bodies in there, too. But, when we busted the door open, he was just standing there in his skinny jeans, Converse Chuck's, and Wilco concert T warming up a pot of Topramen and listening to Indy-rock on his I-tunes. No dead bodies, no hostages, no piles of unmarked bills - just Cat Power playing softly in the background. The lack of carnage and senseless violence was just sickening. After this spectacle, none of us will ever be the same."  

Death to America Day Not as Hateful as it Used to Be, Iranian Clerics Claim

Thousands of spite-fuelled Iranian citizens flooded the streets of Tehran yesterday to mark the 30th anniversary of the seizure of the country's U.S. embassy, a date that, beginning in 1989, has come to be known by Iranians throughout the world as National Death to America Day.

The date, which, over the past several decades, has grown in stature among Iranian citizens, converts the country's bustling capital into a fantasmagoric street festival each year: cordoned-off thoroughfares overflow with polychromatic parade floats, vendors hock various souveniers, and citizens spew their own unique brand of anti-American venom.

"I was so drunk with hate today," said an excitable Alah Massoud, co-owner of a local produce market, "that it made it very difficult for me to focus. All I could think of at the breakfast table this morning was, 'Bomb the infidels, burn their homes, kill their demon-babies,' and then, before I even knew what was happening, I did that thing where I poured orange juice into my cereal instead of milk! My wife and I had a very good laugh - that is, after I gave her permission to do so."

Massoud's soon-to-be brother-in-law, Fardin Malah, a school teacher and part-time photographer, agreed, adding, "To give you some idea of how intoxicated with fury I was, I almost ended up dousing my Barack Obama effigy with kerosene and my American flag with pig's feces: Mashallah, as though every single Iranian on the planet doesn't know it's the other way around! I can only imagine the shit my buddies would've given me if I'd actually gone through with it."

Local muslim cleric Malik Firouz was also filled with anticipation. "I was just beside myself last night," he said, "which is fairly typical for me on the eve of Death to America Day, due to all the acid and disgust for the American devils - those demon whores of Western civilization - brewing within my soul. But this time, I had some warm milk and honey, and it helped me get right to sleep. It really does work."  

"For me, it's all about the hot cocoa," Malah said. "It really eases my anxiety and calms my nerves. In fact, I usually leave an additional cup out for Mullah Mullah - with a plate of cookies, of course - the night before," 

According to Malah and others interviewed, Mullah Mullah is a fictitious character from Persian children's tales and is used by exasperated parents to cow defiant children into behaving with more kindness and respect. 

In the story's first installment, Mullah Mullah journeys to America in hopes of creating a better life for his family but is quickly poisoned by American sit-coms, reality-based TV, and tattoo ink (received from a neo-nazi biker during an all-night crack binge) that has leeched into his soul. 

Mullah eventually finds himself embroiled in a heroin and prostitution ring, in which the cocaine-induced Iranian climactically engages in a shootout with federal DEA agents. After Mullah is shot and killed in a hail of gunfire, his faceless soul, inexorably adulterated by the toxic culture of the West, embarks on a mission to brainwash unsuspecting Iranian children about the virtues of Wal-Mart, reality TV, and gender equity. 

In one particular tale, Mullah chains down a young boy, pries his eyes open, and forces him to watch video footage of a woman in her mid-twenties who is unaccompanied by family members while on a dinner date with a man of similar age. The date concludes with the couple engaging in a good-night peck prior to the woman's date dropping her off at her apartment - but no subsequent honor killing or genital mutilation imposed by the woman's brothers or elder relatives.

Yet another story has Mullah arranging for one of TV's "Bridezillas" to inhabit the home of a traditional Iranian family for one week. During one tense exchange between the bride-to-be, LaQuana Williams, and Alah Oman, the husband and father of the household (as well as a prominent religious leader and member of the local council of elders), Williams barks at Oman to summon his three daughters, so that "them li'l Arab bitches can string me together some muthafuckin' gift baggies up in here."  

While Wednesday's celebration drew thousands of embittered Iranians from across the Middle-East, Central Asia, and Europe, some organizers flashed moments of subtle dissatisfaction that many of the day's actions and activities were more restrained than in years past.

"The lack 0f energy among the demonstrators is both palpable and understandable," said a resigned Rali Shah, a Muslin cleric from Tehran. "The world's a different place now: Clearly, the U.S. is not the booming, sprawling empire it once was. True, the American military remains second-to-none; but their economy is in disrepair, their social system is bereft of justice, and their political structure is irrevocably corrupt. It's like Nicaragua with Best Buys."

Shah continued, "Their children spend twelve years in the public educational system; and half of them end up either illiterate, ignorant, obese, or morally bankrupt - and then they wonder why their prisons are overflowing! The bottom line is this: It is just not that much fun to hate a loser."

Jalil Mohammad, a 22-year-old engineering student and die-hard Boston Red Sox fan, agreed. "It's like if the Yankees came in last place eight years in a row. At some point, it gets boring and one must redirect his deep-seeted, irrational hatred elsewhere. Also - and the Basij will probably burn me alive for saying this - but it doesn't help matters when, compared to the Great Satan's [America] president, ours seems like a mentally retarded baboon hopped up on angel dust."

And while it's customary for protesting Iranians to splash photos of incumbent U.S. presidents with cow's or pig's blood, the current swine flu epidemic has put the entire festival on edge.  

"To be safe, this year we mixed up vats of red food coloring in which we will dip a giant effigy of Barack Obama," said Navid Avdar, a construction worker from Qum. "But, seriously, it's not easy to be drenched with unbridled fury when you're basically making a giant Paas Easter egg." 

Moreover, clusters of disaffected Iranians turned out in protest of another government this year: their own. Iran's current  president, Mahmoud Ahmadiniejad, has come under harsh scrutiny for what many citizens consider to be a corrupt and oppressive regime. In fact, many street protesters could be heard chanting "Death to the Dictator" and "Death to Ahmadiniejad."

Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Khameni, vehemently disagreed. "They're not chanting 'Death to Ahmadiniejad." They're chanting 'Death to Obaaaaaamahaaaaa.' It's very obvious."  

Most Iranians, however, have remained at least as sanguine about the occasion as in years past. Said Marhad Kahn, owner of a local bakery, "It's a big day for us; you Americans perhaps would not understand. I mean, I stood in front of my closet for like twenty minutes trying to decide upon just the right loafers to wear."

A man wished only to be referred to as Rahmed said, "I remain steadfast in my profound hatred, as it is these demonic American imperialists who choke the world markets with their worthless products, who subjugate the Middle East with their unwieldy and murderous attempts at colonization, and who issue pre-emptive war to any country that offers the least bit of resistance to their hegemonic policies." 

When asked as to whether he's ever been to America, Rahmed said that he hadn't. "But that will all change in a very big way soon, I promise you: I'll be flying into L.A. next weekend to audition for 'The Real World 10' the following weekend." 

Rahmed claimed that, as a student, he is currently doing research into the world of how the American entertainment industry corrupts the morals and values of the rest of the world.  He 
then distributed his head shots to several American journalists. "I know: they suck. Whatever. I'm getting new ones when I reach the states." 

Rahmed later described himself as a "triple-threat," who has been schooled in acting, dance, and singing. "Also, a bit of improv," he added, "and screenwriting - mostly romantic comedy."

Oceanside Man Disappointed By Unimaginative Ghost

On Friday, local authorities acknowledged that San Diego County 911 dispatchers had received a series of listless calls from Randy Foster, a 31-year-old golf pro, reporting the incidence of "lame-ass paranormal disturbances" inside his Oceanside condominium. 

911 dispatcher Doris McClellan, who received the first of four calls from Foster late Thursday night, said, "Normally when people call in, because they're so full of fear or anguish, they can barely even catch their breath. But this was different. When this guy called, he just seemed really, really disinterested - even bored."

Letting out a massive yawn while accessing his Blackberry to check the score of the Dodgers-Cardinals playoff game, an emotionally detached  Foster said, "Truthfully, at first I was seriously debating about whether or not I should call 911. And I wouldn't have except for the fact that this thing was seriously working on my nerves - and has been for some time." 

Foster explained that the paranormal force currently occupying his condominium is neither frightening nor destructive. 

"It's not scary at all, unless you consider spontaneously lighting a single dining room candle terrifying. On the one hand, if I had a date over, maybe that would've been cool, but I was right in the middle of cleaning clumps of shit out of my cat's litter box at the time. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with a dinner candle at that point?" 

Foster also recounted another incident that occurred Monday evening, upon his return from work. "I was all psyched to watch the Charger game on Monday Night Football: I'd just picked up an extra large pizza from Tony's and a six of Fat Tire. Then, when I walked into my place, my TV was already on - but it was tuned to C-SPAN. C-SPAN Book TV."

Foster explained that, after several minutes of trying to endure the programming, he attempted everything "short of throwing my new flat screen against the wall" to change the channel. 

"I basically missed the entire game and instead got Phillip Roth babbling on about what it means to be a literary Jew in a post-9/11 world. At that point, I knew something had to be done about this stupid thing."

"But it's only gotten worse," Foster said, adding that the phantasm has even become "a little on the clingy side," referring to its penchant for laying out Foster's socks and underwear for the following day while he sleeps. "I mean, Jesus, I'm not four years old anymore."

All parties agree that the urgency of Foster's 911 calls increased significantly throughout the evening, as the poltergeist's activity grew in frequency and intensity. 

Nevertheless, only one transcript of the calls has been released to the media, due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter, as well as the fear of copycats, which commonly follow sensational incidents. 

The following exchange took place during Foster's fourth and final 911 call of the evening and was received by dispatcher LaWanda Chase at 3:16 A.M.

Chase: Yeah?

Foster: Wait, is this 911?

Chase: Um-hmm. What can I do for you, sir?

Foster: Hi, I just called about 20 minutes ago - 

Chase: Your location, please.

Foster: 1112 Durham Street, Oceanside. I have a ghost -

Chase: You have a ghost?

Foster: I have a ghost. In my condo unit. Right now.

Chase: Sir -

Foster: I assure you, it's the real deal. 

Chase: Sir, how would you even know if you've got a ghost in your house?

Foster: Do you hear that playing? (At this point, Foster holds the phone receiver to a stereo speaker, which emits Norah Jones' single "Come Away With Me.")

Chase: Is that Norah Jones? Ooh, I do not like her.

Foster: I know. Brutal, right?

Chase: Um-hmm. If that girl were black, we wouldn't even know who she is.

Foster: Thank you! But the problem is, I've never, ever owned a Norah Jones CD or a Norah Jones anything. Oh my God! Make it stop!

Chase: Sir, are you alone?

Foster: Yes. Please, just...The music! The boredom!

Chase: Sir? Sir, just hang on. We've already sent for help. Sir? (The music grows louder) Sir, where is the ghost now?

Foster: It just... (transcript interrupted by static)... living room setting up a game of Electronic Stratego! NO! PLEASE!

Chase: Sir! Sir, help's coming. If you can just convince it to put the Stratego back in the box, at least until help arrives - maybe set up a game of Cranium instead, if you have it. Are you there? Sir! (At this point, the transmission is cut off.)

Said McClellan, the first 911 dispatcher, "I actually thought it was a crank call at first. But then, when he described what was happening in his condo, I was like, 'oh shit.'"  

McClellan was convinced, she said, when Foster recounted an extraordinarily bland sequence of paranormal occurrences. 

"He said that, right before he'd called, it had just finished organizing a stack of grocery coupons by food group. And before that it had placed the cap back on his tube of toothpaste. I mean, why would anyone lie about something so lame?"

Foster said he knew something was amiss several months ago, when his Digital Video Recorder began to repeatedly record PBS programs such as "Masterpiece Theater" and "This Old House." 

Said Foster, "Before that, I didn't even know what channel PBS was on, and now my TiVo's loaded to capacity with "Antiques Road Show."" 

Foster continued. "First it was the cap on the toothpaste; then it kept changing the furniture layout in my dining room. And, granted, the room's more conducive to conversation now, but I'm a single guy: I need to be able to see the game from my recliner, which is now impossible because it's all the way off to the side."

Foster said he'd most characterize his overall experience in living with a paranormal as "disappointing," adding, "You'd hope that, if the ghost in your home isn't going to scare the living shit out of you, at the very least it would avoid pushing your buttons."

Earlier this month, Foster had awakened to see the word LLIK scrawled across his bathroom mirror in red permanent marker. "Which was a little weird," he said, adding, "But then I realized the ghost was trying to do that Redrum trick from "The Shining." Problem is, you need another mirror in the background for that - or else a word that makes sense when it's spelled backwards. So, not only is this thing unimaginative, but it also has zero understanding of reverse palindromes."

Murrieta, CA Man Wins Nobel Prize in Physics, Not Humbled by Honor

Colby Evers, a Murrieta, California resident and former employee of Golf 'n Splash Fun 'n Ride in nearby Riverside, was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics Friday, just one week after being arrested for public drunkenness, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure outside a Dave and Buster's parking lot. 

Evers was informed of his landmark achievement late Friday afternoon by his brother-in-law, Tanner, following a series of attempts by work colleagues, family members, ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, creditors, and former employers to contact the 32-year-old miniature gold attendant that proved unsuccessful. 

Bjorn Jakobson, Communications Director for the Nobel Committee, admitted that Evers was "nearly impossible to contact."  

"It ain't gonna do ya no good," shouted Cherish Angel to Evers' twin brother Donnie, as he made repeated attempts to contact the Nobel Prize winner via cell phone. Angel, a former professional dancer at Shifteez Juice Bar in Pomona, CA, who now collects unemployment due to a late-night performance mishap, is the Nobel winner's ex-common-law-wife. She now dates Donnie, her manager at Shifteez.

"I know him better'n anybody. Better'n you, better'n his numb nuts brother over there, and better'n all them skanky-assed whores he chases around that broke down amusement park. If them needle dicks (from the Nobel committee) were really all that smart, they'da called me in the first place. And then they'd know that Colby never gets up before noon on Fridays."

Angel later explained that Evers' proclivity for sleeping in on Fridays is due to his Thursday night black tar heroin binges behind the dumpster of a nearby El Pollo Loco.

"Yeah, he likes to party," said Angel sighing resignedly, adding,  "Anyways...where my menthols at? Donnie! Donnie, where my MENTHOLS!" Upon taking a hasty drag from one of her cigarettes, Angel added, "And where's my baby at?" 

"How would I know - it's your bastard kid!" responded Evers.

Angel later recalled that her one-year-old daughter, Rumor, had spent the night with her former mother-in-law.  

The selection of Evers on Friday by the esteemed Swedish Academy in Stockholm was met with both surprise and dismay by many academics and media pundits alike. The complaints apparently stem from a notion that Evers, while possessing considerable talent, has yet to put that potential into action.

"Did he deserve it?" questioned Dr. Janson Sibering, a nuclear physicist who has been working in Nepal for the past six years, developing a mechanism that harnesses high altitude air molecules for use in single-cell fuel vehicles. "That's not really for me or anyone outside of the committee to say at this point, though I'm looking forward to the day when me or any of a number of my colleagues can finally receive some level of international recognition. Incidentally, would you mind passing me that box of Ramen noodles?"

"I don't think he necessarily received the award for what he has done as much as for his imagination and indomitable determination," said Mandrake Jespson, PhD, Director of Operations at the Frontier Science and Technology Research Foundation in Amherst, New York. I think it's clear to everyone, save for his harshest critics, that Colby Evers is the rarest of visionaries."

Jepson's comments were in direct reference to Evers' plan to one day build a "fuckin' kick-ass time machine that will take me back to before I hooked up with that Misty chick at Applebees happy hour who gave me genital warts." Added Evers, "I'm gonna do it, too. Just watch me. Go ahead - say I won't. Say I won't, bitch!"

Evers, who will receive his Nobel Prize on December 10 in Stockholm, was reportedly startled awake by Jakobson's call shortly after 1:30 P.M. Pacific Time to inform him of the news.

Said Evers, "At first, I thought it was my buddy, Tim, who does this awesome German dude impression, like the guy on the Foster's commercial. But then, when I found out it was some gay guy from France or wherever on the phone, I was kinda' bummed. But then when he said I won somethin', I thought that was kinda' cool. And then, when he said that I'd be gettin' lotsa' cash, I was all 'hell fuckin' yeah - gimme!' Anyways, I should get Tim over here so he can do that accent for you. It's fuckin' insane."

Moments after hanging up with Jakobson, an ebullient Evers assured reporters that he intended to use the "Good Angel Dust" to celebrate his accomplishment.

In 2006, Evers was also a finalist for the Nobel Prize in Science, when he cautioned a work colleague to "Never trust anything that bleeds for a week straight and still lives."

"Oh, that put him on the map," said Mandrake. "You don't just say something that brilliant and expect it to go unnoticed by the scientific community."

Evers is due to receive $1.4 million for his accomplishment. When apprised of his winnings and questioned as to the charity or foundation to which it might be bequeathed, Evers responded, "Uh, that would be the foundation to get Colby Evers fucked up tonight - Oww!" 

Later, when asked by phone as to whether he was humbled to receive such a rarefied honor, Evers replied, "Nope."

Ignoring Naysayers, Researchers Continue Dogged Pursuit of Black Friend

Dr. Robert Hildegard, a gruff and grizzled professor of Cultural Anthropology at Northwestern University in Chicago, has been in pursuit of one for nearly four decades; but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the 1993 recipient of a Macarthur Genius Grant is any closer now than when he began his quest as a 22-year-old UC Berkeley graduate student in 1971.“Back then, we were so sure that we were on the right track,” said Hildegard, referring to the almost fanatical pursuit among academics, scientists, and all-around thrill-seekers of what has come to be known in Anglo-American social circles as “My Black Friend.”

“But we weren’t even remotely close. And we had no clue as to the years of utter sacrifice and abysmal disappointment that lay ahead.” 

Hildegard and his colleagues say that pursuing such an elusive creature produces a daily roller-coaster ride of emotions and requires equal amounts focus and tenacity - in addition to an uncanny ability to ignore the multitudes who deny the Black Friend’s mere existence.

Said Jonathan Mason, the Dean of African American Studies at The University of Washington in Spokane, and author of a collection of books on cultural plurality within the suburban African American community, said, “With all due respect to my colleagues, the premise of the Black Friend is a complete and utter fallacy.”

Mason maintains that, for whites, having a Black Friend implies a “cool, progressive, open-minded approach” to one’s life, tantamount to sending one’s children to public school, driving a Prius, listening to Hip-Hop music, or, in the most extreme cases, “watching UPN, which, quite frankly, most black people don’t even have the will or courage to do.” 

Mason continued. “But as a black man, I can honestly say - and I’m not alone in this assessment - that I reserve my strongest contempt for white folks who claim me as their friend to other whites, like I’m some goddamned Precious Moment figurine that they can just stash in the hall china closet and show off to their other white friends. Trust me, I’ve studied white folks all my life; and the only thing they want more than a Whole Foods gift card is a Black Friend to call their very own." 

"But it’s fool’s gold," he said, "the white peoples' version of Waiting for Godot. Wait - that is the white peoples' version. Rather, it’s the black peoples' version of waiting for a smart, edgy coming-of-age film about young black folks that doesn’t revolve around thug life, pit bulls, or pounding forties of Old English on a porch in Compton. In other words, some things just aren’t meant to happen.”    

Concluded Mason, “Oh, and just because we chuckle when you all come in to work quoting skits from “The Chapelle Show” doesn’t mean we like you. We just really, really like to watch white people say, ‘Is Wayne Brady gonna havta' choke a bitch?’ Nothing less, nothing more.

Aarne Hakkinen, a professor of Archeology and Ancient Civilizations at Finland’s Helsinki University, was also befuddled when asked about the prominence of the Black Friend in Anglo American culture. 

“This Black Friend that you keep saying,” said Hakkinen, “I understand the friend part, but why would he be black? How would a person be black?

According to most Sociologists, Anglo Americans’ desire to have a black friend is a fairly recent development, most likely rooted in the former 1980s NBC hit sitcom "Diff’rent Strokes," a program that tracked the childhood of two urban African American brothers who are adopted and subsequently welcomed into the Manhattan penthouse of an affluent white family. 

James DuFresne, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, a conservative think thank, waxed rhapsodic. “For many of us, “Diff’rent Strokes” made it okay to get within ten feet of young African American males again.” He then hastily added, “Providing they’re forcibly removed from their element, scrubbed squeaky clean, and clad in pastel Izod sweaters. Also, it really helps if they're freakishly adorable and just a little bit on the sassy side." DuFresne stared off wistfully into the distance for several minutes before breaking his silence. "God, how I miss that show.”

Added pop star Madonna, through an L.A. based media liaison, "“Diff'rent Strokes" was the defining moment in race relations in the 1980s. It was a show that made me want to grab a cute, little black child off the streets and stash him in my foyer display tank. But I did two better than that, adopting three, all of whom I now own and display at my le-jure, which has greatly contributed to my goal of creating a post-racial household."

"Diff'rent Strokes" was followed by a bevy of additional programming depicting cordial black-white friendships, such as "Webster," "The Cosby Show," and "Gimme’ a Break," starring the multi-talented Nel Carter.

“Gimme a Break was arguably the most groundbreaking show in the history of American television,” said Cameron Zorquist, a former NBC executive who produced "Gimme a Break" as well as the short-lived - though critically acclaimed - sitcom "Our Dumpster Crack Baby." “Because, instead of having an overweight, maternal black maid doting on a white family – like in so many other programs and movies from the past – "Gimme" showed that you could have an overweight, maternal black maid doting on a white family, but, in this case, the overweight black maid is also a gospel vocalist - heady, avant guard stuff that would never fly in today’s conservative climate. My bet is we’ll never see creativity and imagination like that at the network level again.”

In recent years, the Republican Party, a bastion of Anglo affluence for the last half-century, has sought to deflect allegations of bigotry and elitism by recruiting conservative members of the African American community. 

Said former House Speaker and current conservative commentator Newt Gingrich, "Though the liberal media loves to paint us as a bunch of redneck bigots, clearly our party's track record of racial diversity speaks for itself. There's (Supreme Court Justice) Clarence Thomas, (former Secretary of State) Condoleeza Rice, uh (dry swallow), Clarence Thomas, who has...did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican?" 

Last March, conservatives aggressively sought the services of former Maryland Lt. Governor Michael Steele to be the first black chairman of the Republican National Committee. With Steele aboard, the party hopes it can broaden its appeal beyond its predominantly white base, whose average age is currently 79. 

Said Steele, at a press briefing in early July to discuss his party's long-term objectives, "I see us being not just the party of the Angry White Man, but also the party of the Angry White Man who won't necessarily reach inside his ankle holster when he sees a black man making a U-turn in the nearby cul-de-sac."  

"But with that said," Steele continued, "black people need to do their part in this thing, too. We need to realize that guns, while a necessity, shouldn't be used for gang wars or convenience store hold-ups. They're for suspicious-looking characters loitering about the street in front of your house, young roustabouts who wantonly traipse across your lawn without any regard for the "Warning: This Yard Protected by Smith and Wesson" signage, and, most of all, Socialists who want to steal your republic away from you by offering comprehensive government programs."

Steele has gained favor in recent weeks among even the staunchest conservatives for his public denunciation of former Democratic President Jimmy Carter, who alleged that many conservatives' criticisms of President Obama have arisen from racist attitudes. 

When questioned by reporters if racism were a factor in American politics, Steele said, "I highly doubt it. Quite frankly, allegations of white people's bigotry over the centuries has been greatly exaggerated, or, at the very least, overstated." When asked how he'd characterize public lynchings, slavery, and Jim Crowe laws, Steele responded by saying, "An uncomfortable learning experience for each and every one of us." before adding to the inquiring reporter, "And did you forget your American Flag lapel pin today or do you just despise America?"

Due to Steele's skyrocketing political stock, many key conservatives have recently sought to befriend the suddenly ubiquitous RNC Chairman. 

"We're going golfing next week," said a sanguine House Minority Leader John Boehner. "which is perfect timing, since my country club voted just last month to start allowing blacks on a provisional basis." Boehner beamed, adding, "So I'm sure Michael will make me fine caddy."  

"Oh, Michael Steele you say?" asked Republican Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, rhetorically. "Yeah, we hang out. We mostly just chill, listen to Wu Tang, play dominos, read Ebony magazine, discuss 

apartheid - whatever. 

Some conservatives remain bullish on Steele, however. Radio host Rush Limbaugh still scoffs at the idea of Steele as the leader of his party. "I have only one word to describe the man," said Limbaugh of Steele. "Overrated."

 

Back in his office at Northwestern, Hildegard acknowledged that attitudes such as Limbaugh's have only served to impede his quest.

"In Science," said a visibly frustrated Hildegard, "we have a technical term to describe individuals like Mr. Limbaugh who adulterate data by willfully imposing their presence upon the research process: Fuckfaces."  

Hildegard continued. “Quite honestly, there have been many dark hours when I just felt like packing it in. But then I would be doing a profound disservice to all the researchers before me who tried and failed in their  lifelong pursuit.”

Still, for some, finding and catching a Black Friend is more than just a means to an end. 

“You’re never going to get rich doing this, that’s for sure,” said Davis Kryzewski, Ph.D., a former professor emiritus at Case Western University. Ultimately, you do it because it’s your passion. At the same time, it’s tough sometimes to stay positive with all the failure that’s inherent in searching for one. And if you let it, it’ll completely take over your life."

According to Kryzewski, many of his colleagues who have dedicated their lives over the years to the pursuit of a Black Friend have found themselves losing connections with friends and loved ones. But, he said, if it means becoming estranged from a spouse, the pursuit of finding a Black Friend outside of captivity would be worth it.

Said Kryzewski, "I’ve been divorced three times, and my kids send me bags of human feces for my birthday. But, to me, it’s worth it."

While Hildegard empathizes with Kryzewski, he ultimately disagrees with his overall mindset.

“There’s definitely a limit," said Hildegard. "For instance, I don’t even want to think about all those freezing nights sitting inside my car outside lavish homes in the Hills, waiting for a Christmas party to end so that I could maybe, possibly, catch even a glimpse of a prospective Black Friend leaving the premisis.”

He quickly added, “As I'm sure you've discovered, this is a job that never completely ends. I mean, first of all, none of my colleagues has ever even seen a Black Friend in the wild. And then, what do you do if you finally spot one? Approach it with caution? Take a picture? Try reciting lines from "Friday" so that it'll know you mean business? Truthfully, if there were a formula for this, we’d all be swimming in blacks.”

Nevertheless, Hildegard concedes that the Republican Party may have indeed discovered that formula, much to the chagrin of scientists and academics who, despite decades of meticulous research and focus, have had little success. 

“I’m not going to lie,” he said. “‘It’s pretty disheartening when a bunch of glorified used car salesmen who claim that dinosaurs co-existed alongside Jesus Christ have devised a more effective strategy for capturing the Black Friend than some of the world’s most esteemed scientists.”

Thousands Gather in L.A. to Mourn Passing of Satan

A sea of friends, colleagues, and fans flocked to Los Angeles’ Staples Center on Sunday to mourn the passing of Satan, the world’s premier purveyor of darkness. Satan, also referred to as Mephistopheles, The Devil, The Prince of Darkness, and Evil Incarnate, presided over a tarnished legacy of unparalleled destruction, mayhem, demonic possession, and pestilence that spanned nearly ten centuries.

But Satan had fallen upon hard times over the past decade, frequently finding himself in inauspicious relationships with notorious mafioso, high-priced Hollywood prostitutes, corrupt politicians, and unsavory Las Vegas gambling syndicates. And it was reported as recently as last year that he had receded into the seclusion of former Vice-President Dick Cheney's Secured Undisclosed Location as The Evil One’s once overwhelming influence and popularity continued to wane. 

“That’s why it was so startling when I found out how he passed away,” said comedian and former business associate Pauly Shore, referring to Satan, whose unconscious body was discovered alongside two highly intoxicated transvestite hookers at 3 A.M., in an abandoned Wienerschnitzel parking lot in Pacoima, CA.

According to police officers at the scene, Satan had a syringe half-filled with a fatal amalgam of opium, prune juice and Hydroxycut still lodged in his arm and over $10 thousand in contraband Bose stereo equipment stashed in the trunk of his 1984 Camaro Z-28.  

Friends say that the 9,000-year-old had been battling depression and what longtime colleague Mullah Omar referred to as “many, many demons.” 

Added Shore, “Not to sound selfish or anything, but the big question for me at this point is who gets my soul now?”

Shore’s question is one that is certain to be addressed in the coming weeks, months and years, as countless attorneys, private investors and mob kingpins scavenge over a dizzying array of untalented lost souls.

Even the Obama administration has been monitoring the situation, lest it escalate into yet another international crisis for the already embattled president. Said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “We’re keeping a close eye on the situation as it develops. The President realizes just how problematic an untalented lost soul vacuum can be in this day and age.”

In fact, according to one unnamed source within the administration, the President and a team of advisors have already begun discussing a more than $700 billion package that would essentially hand over ownership and operation of the forsaken souls to the federal government. Storage of the souls will undoubtedly be fodder for more controversy, however, and could further forestall Obama's plans for other policy initiatives.

“Lookit, there needs to be a safe, secure storage facility for these sorts of souls,” said Obama, speaking from a high school gymnasium in Kearney, Nebraska, where he is currently promoting his administration’s health care package. “And I realize that everyone’s going to say ‘Not in my backyard’ when it comes to souls belonging to Sebastian Bach, Larry the Cable Guy, Rihanna, House of Pain, and Creed. The bottom line is, nobody wants them. But are any of you really comfortable with the souls of, say, John Tesh or even Jimmy Fallon roaming the streets at night?”

Satan was, by many accounts, a conflicted - and deeply tormented - former agent of God, whose prickly disposition often lead to numerous feuds with muckraking journalists over the years. 

“Nobody’s perfect,” said longtime confidant Bernard Madoff. “I’m not going to sit here trying to justify some of his sillier mistakes, of which there are many. But by golly, the media had it out for him from day one. And by day one, I mean six thousand B.C.”

“Undoubtedly, he was a victim of media bias and bad publicity,” said Dr. Jared Diamond, professor of Ancient Civilizations and Cultural Anthropology at UCLA, and author of the bestselling Guns, Germs, and Steel. “But Satan was notorious for constantly shooting himself in the foot. People bring up things like The Holocaust, The Spanish Inquisition and Darfur – not that any of that is forgivable. But how could he ever expect to garner a shred of public support after putting a band like Daughtry in a position to be heard by millions?

Nevertheless, in recent years, Satan had embarked on a massive campaign to reshape his image, hiring New York public relations firm 5W, former Paramount Pictures mega-producer Robert Evans, and Republican political strategist Karl Rove – to mostly disappointing results.

Said Evans of Satan, “Was he a tough nut to crack? Sure, he was. Did he listen to my advice? Sometimes – not nearly enough. Did we get along? Not one lick. Did I love him like a son? You bet your sweet ass I did. Look, like I said: I liked the kid, I really did. But in the end, what can you really tell a guy who spends his entire brunch at Morton’s meticulously hatching out the next genocide? Oh, and incidentally, you don’t wanna’ know about the next worldwide pandemic, either. Luckily, I’ll probably be dead by then; but just so you know, it’s gonna make the Bubonic Plague look like the goddamn sniffles." 

As part of his stirring eulogy, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld later added that Satan’s altruism was all too frequently overshadowed by “the fact that he was a bowel-stenched mastermind who eagerly disseminated worldly destruction and ineffable evil..But we all too often confuse Satan the devil with Satan the man. Who among you would want to be judged as a human being based on what you do, day in and day out, at your chosen profession as a human being? Right? Everybody with me?”

Moreover, many of Satan’s closest friends and associates insist that he possessed a softer, more magnanimous side. In fact, they claim, Satan was a staunch and enduring advocate of the arts, championing the careers of musicians Kenny G., Michael Bolton, Vanilla Ice, The Backstreet Boys, Miley Cyrus, and Right Said Fred ; actors Vin Diesel, Mark Wahlberg, and Ashton Kutcher; comedian Larry The Cable Guy; and painter Thomas Kincaid .

Additionally, Satan, a die-hard sports fan since the dawn of athletic competition, was often seen mentoring young athletes whose lives had rapidly transformed into a fishbowl of media scrutiny. Sports superstars Michael Vick, Mike Tyson , Rae Carruth, Lawrence Phillips, Ryan Leaf, and Jose Canseco relied heavily on Satan for support and guidance during the early days of their respective careers and still remember him fondly to this day.

Said an emotional Vick, “After my rookie season in the NFL, right as things started getting a little crazy for me with all the fame and money and stuff, Satan was the first one to suggest that what I really needed to ground myself was a hobby – preferably one that would switch my focus away from myself and onto other living things – like, for example, the caretaking of animals. So we brainstormed for a while and figured out what I was really missing in my life was the breeding and training of ferocious, blood-lusting pit bulls for the purpose of mauling other bloodthirsty pit bulls, while lynching or drowning all the ones that didn’t display the traits of a maniacal, four-legged demon-spawn. Spiritually, it really centered me.”

Most of the kids nowadays don’t remember De’Heracles Jackson,” said Bert Sugar, a veteran reporter at Ring Magazine, “because they don’t know anything about the history of sports nowadays. But here was a kid with all the tools. I mean, people forget just how dominant a force he was for Sparta back in the late-700s (B.C.E.).” Jackson, who, at the second Olympiad, captured four guilded wreathes and an unprecedented six boy-slave shower excursions, had grown up fatherless on the mean streets of Amphipolis, jacking chariots and hustling knock-off palm fronds. The troubled youth was even caught dealing gaseous vapors on several occasions.

Added Sugar, “The kid came from nothing, but he shot up through the ranks mainly because Satan saw something in him – something special.”

But Satan’s legacy of advocating disadvantaged young athletes stretches back even farther in time, to the dawn of man. “I’m sure everyone’s also long forgotten Satan’s role in Guh-GAH’s rise to stardom,” said Sugar, glumly referring to The Devil’s role in mentoring a young, spry Neanderthal organ and feces hurler from what is now the Caucasus region of Serbia. 

“Guh-GAH? The kid had absolutely filthy stuff,” said Peter Gammons of ESPN. “To say he was ‘toolsy’ would’ve been a huge understatement, because Guh-GAH could do it all – indiscriminately splatter shit against a random stone, eat dirt, lick things. Like I said, he became the best, which would’ve never happened had Satan not had the acumen to identify and cultivate his stratospheric talent. It really was a shame how it all ended so fast.”

Sadly, GAH!!, as his friends and teammates called him, was yet another tragic example of a Satan protégé flying too close to the sun, as the young Neanderthal was ultimately unsuccessful in his lengthy struggle against raw Smilodon marrow addiction, tragically passing away at age 22 – just two days shy of his grandson Org’s first birthday.

Pallbearer O.J. Simpson was perhaps most effusive in his praise for the deceased. "The thing about me is that I've always been a really loathsome human being. I mean, take your pick and I've done it: Wife-beating? Check. Chronic lying? Um-hum. Armed robbery? That's me! Double-murder? You bet. So when Satan first approached me when I was a freshman at USC and claimed that he could transform me from a freakishly athletic young thug into a marketable - and extremely likeable - national icon, I'll admit I was skeptical. And when he proposed the deal of banishing my soul to eternal fire in exchange for just two words of his guidance, I was was even more dubious. But we made the deal, and, by God, he ended up being right."

And what were those two life-changing words?

Simpson smiled then said, "Be whiter."

Tickets for Satan’s memorial ceremony at the 15,000-seat Staples Center were snapped up within minutes of his death, as there had been widespread speculation among ticket brokers that having the memorial at the 15,000-seat arena would be one of the fallen angel’s final wishes.

“It’s no revelation that Satan was an enormous Laker fan, so this was pretty much the expected venue,” said Pete McClavich, CEO of Ticketprize.com. “It was sort of common knowledge around here that, through the years, Satan attended every game he could, despite the busy schedule. I mean, he’s the devil: What other NBA team could he possibly root for?” McClavich added that Satan attended most games incognito, “at times emobodying hot dog vendors, Vlade Divac, or “eccentric, queeny, old Hollywood-types who sit courtside beside Jack (Nicholson).”

Due to the gravity of the occasion, scalpers outside the arena were hustling tickets for up to $1,500 each.

Said Daniella Wright of Riverside, CA, moments after purchasing two front row tickets from a scalper, “I don’t care how much these things are going for. There’s only one Satan, and we love him!”

Others were not as fortunate. Said Sister Mary Lester of Our Lady of Lourdes Parish, “Fifteen hundred each? That’s fuckin’ bullshit,”

Photo Courtesy of DC Atty on Flickr.com

Pew Poll: 71 Percent of Californians Want Fewer, More, Same Amount of Taxes

On the heels of a resounding voter rejection of four major ballot initiatives, California's already sinking economy continued to plummet dangerously close to depression-era levels this week as Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger moved swiftly to propose a raft of cuts to health care, education, and social programs. 

Said a disconsolate Schwarzenegger, via telephone from his Sacramento office, "This is a borderline impossible situation. These cuts are going to be broad, they're going to be deep, and they're going to be painful. And at this stage, there's just no other alternative, unless you want to do something radical like increase sales tax by a quarter of a percent. But the bottom line then is this: Would you rather have your kid crammed into a dilapidated, asbestos-caked remedial Math class - with 45 other students being taught by a district retread who's counting his days toward retirement - or have to pay an extra four cents for a pair of skinny jeans? So you can see what I mean when I say 'This is a borderline impossible situation.'"

It is a quandary that has dogged tax-weary Californians for decades. And this week, the question was once again put to the test in a poll sponsored by the Pew Center for Responsible Government and Policy. The poll, given to a cross section of voters moments after casting their ballots in the May 9th special election, questioned respondents' feelings toward paying increases in taxes to help generate much needed revenue, with the goal of ultimately eliminating much of the state's crushing debt.

"Fuuuuck no!" grumbled Nokes Maggards of Victorville, when asked whether he'd be willing to pay more in taxes in exchange for more state fiscal stability. "First of all, as far as taxes go, they say they use it to build roads and schools and hospitals and shit. But do you know what they really use it for? 

Maggards paused, glanced wistfully out at his front lawn, at the 1996 Honda ATV wedged between a half-deflated blow up Oakland Raiders easy chair and a black lacquer microwave oven stand, and said, "Procedures. For little Spanish and Oriental kids - you know, cleft pallets, cross eyes, and excetra. I heard this one kid was born with a dimple in his forehead that made him look all weird and cyclopsy and shit. And so they had it moved down to his chin so that now he sorta' resembles a Mexican John Travolta - except that he's six. Now don't get me wrong, that's some cool-ass medical shit right there. But why do I gotta' pay the freight for it?"

Added Maggard's common law wife Reeny Styles-LaMarke, a dancer at Slick Girls' Gentleman's Club and Juice Hole, "And I ain't payin' no more of my hard-earned money so two queers can take it to the altar! You just watch: When the gays all finally get the right to marry, they're gonna raid all the orphanages and turn a whole generation of red-blooded American boys into butt sluts. Living in this country will be like living in one great big Restoration Hardwares."

Nokes, currently serving the final week of a 4-month house arrest sentence for smuggling stolen Robitussen cough syrup across state lines, added, "Fuckin'...the first two things I'll be doing when I get my Lowjack taken off next week is goin' on the Riddler's Revenge (at Six Flags theme park) and not paying more in taxes."

In the poll, when questioned at to whether or not a modest increase - between a quarter and a half of a percent - in retail sales tax would be an acceptable alternative to major cutbacks in "programs specifically designed to assist the elderly - such as Meals on Wheels and Medicare," 82 percent of the respondents answered "No." 

"Clearly, the always well-informed people of California have spoken emphatically and intelligently on the issue of these socialist handouts for the so-called elderly," said Bob Tice, spokesperson for The Milton Friedman Initiative, a Sacramento-based Libertarian political action committee. "First off, this state has time and again insisted on throwing money at the old and infirmed without asking for anything at all in return. And, I'll have you know, I don't sit in my high-rise office, issuing no fewer than two press releases a day at a measly eighty thousand a year so that some 94-year-old welfare queen can ambulate, adequately absorb nutrients, and live with her last shreds of human dignity all day long."

Nonetheless, when asked whether or not they would be willing to have state-run services - such as trash pickup, mail delivery, school operation, bus service, park maintenance, road construction, and police shifts - interrupted or truncated, 77 percent of Californians selected "No."

Said Albert Salas, a purchasing agent from Oceanside, "All these things should be free, plain and simple. So I shouldn't have to pay even more than I do now for something that I'm already entitled to." 

But when informed that a continuation of such seemingly mundane services would ultimately require substantial increases in property, sales, and payroll taxes, Paulus stood in stunned silence, then said, "If they really wanted to, they could solve this whole problem right now by eliminating the third grade throughout the entire state. Think about it: What did any of us really learn in third grade? Math? Maybe remainders, though I still don't know what the hell that even means. Spelling? I still can't spell "vacuum" or "commemorate" - or even "license" - if someone held a gun to my head. Reading? Too old for Dick and Jane, too young for Salinger. So what did we end up reading? Grammar Workbooks. And yet I still don't know what a gerund is. In fact, the only thing I can recall from third grade was that Gale Simmons alphabetically sat right in back of me and, just like in second grade, she still smelled vaguely of meunster cheese, wet Dachsund, and old tomato soup. I may have also called someone a jiz bucket for the first time then, too, so maybe it wasn't a complete loss."

Sabrina Taber of Westminster was equally startled by the daily services that are covered by taxes. Said Taber, "I never knew that people were actually hired for cleaning up parks. Honestly, I thought birds just swooped down and picked up pieces of garbage to help build their nests. I mean, you see it all the time on Discovery Channel."

79 percent of the poll's participants stated that they were "entitled to a greater scope of government services than they already receive, such as more frequent garbage pickup, faster mail delivery, a better trained police force, and more qualified teachers," while only 4 percent said they were "willing to pay for such increases in services."

Raymond McVee, a car wash attendant from Pomona, explained his seemingly contradictory responses to the questions. "Am I entitled to them (expanded municipal services)? Hell yes, I am. Am I willing to pay more for it? Hell no, I'm not." Then, after a pregnant, reflective pause, McVee added, "What the fuck are you still looking at?"

Curiously, the poll's respondents also seemed to answer with a unified voice over a series of hypothetical questions that would tie one's commitment to social responsibility to either an increase or a decrease in taxes. For instance, when asked if tax breaks should be given to individuals who conserve water and electricity, only 14 percent of the respondents answered "Yes," while 70 percent responded "No." The remaining 16 percent of those polled had their answers omitted because they erroneously darkened the bubble of a nearby column marked "Makes me feel sad, irritable, or confused." 

L.A. Police Chief Threatens Protesting Teachers With Tasers, Tear Gas, Rocket Propelled Grenades

On the eve of a proposed work stoppage by Los Angeles Unified School District teachers, Chief of Police William Bratton - backed by Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, the LAUSD school board, and District Supt. Ramon Cortines - issued a stern warning to the union leaders of United Teachers of Los Angeles, who are urging their over 40,000 members to protest the layoffs of hundreds of teachers due to the district's alleged budget constraints. 

"We understand and empathize with UTLA's sense of responsibility and obligation to its teachers," said Bratton, in an impromptu press conference held on the steps of Los Angeles City Hall. "But what the union needs to understand is that, first and foremost, teachers have an obligation to cultivate the vulnerable and impressionable young minds of our community's children. And I mean all teachers have that responsibility: The lushes, the molesters, the scammers, and the slackers - all. That's why, if the teachers do strike en masse, we will be forced to issue a full-scale military-style assault on every single one of them." Bratton then added, "Our forces have already been deployed to every school site in LAUSD, with specific instructions to treat each and every protesting teacher like a snuggly Mexican grandpa at a May Day rally."

To further underscore the hardline stance the District is taking with the teachers and their union, Cortines issued an emergency directive to all LAUSD school sites early Thursday morning, to "immediately cease the dissemination of coffee cake to all teachers." The tactic of coffee cake distribution is often implemented by administrators at most schools to appease disgruntled faculty following the mishandling of troubling incidents, such as student walkouts; teacher pay cuts and layoffs; bomb scare evacuations; and shooting sprees. 

Nonetheless, Cortines' directive was met with weariness and skepticism as it filtered through the district Thursday afternoon. "That coffee cake," said Vincent Valero, Assistant Principal at Kennedy High School in Granada Hills, "has saved my sweet white ass more times than I can count. Basically, it's our last line of defense against widespread teacher revolt; without it, we'd surely have to resort to explaining our actions whenever we mishandle serious incidents." 

Indeed, statistics overwhelmingly support Valero's claim. According to a 2007 report issued by the California Education Partnership, in which the mismanagement of LAUSD campus incidents by school administrators was analyzed, teachers were 40 percent less likely following such incidents to exhibit "defiant and/or egregiously indignant behavior" following the consumption of warm, moist coffee cake.

"Also," mumbled Valero, "it's laced with ecstasy."

To achieve a clearer understanding of the district's striking teachers' perspective, Villaraigosa visited an Ideas in Science class at Monroe High School in the San Fernando Valley Thursday afternoon. Chaotic, loud, and brimming with over 40 academically at-risk students, sixth-year teacher Britney Hutton explained her lesson plans, as well as the course's overall curriculum, to the inquisitive mayor and a cluster of reporters.

Hutton explained that she begins each class with a short review of the previous day's material, which she says, is accompanied by a 10-to-15-minute stretch of what she referred to as "dead eyes," wherein her students stare coldly and blankly at her "as though they were lifeless cadavers at the morgue or bloodthirsty bull sharks skimming the shallows for injured prey." 

Hutton says she then teaches the main lesson, "which is when the real tagging and cutting takes place." "Yeah, at the start of class, they're a little distractible - for whatever reasons - so I think the warm-up gives them ample opportunity to produce their tool of choice, whether it be a Sharpie, a razor blade, a shanking object of some sort, such as a screwdriver or awl or what-have-you...and then they eventually settle down." She added that the remainder of class is taught in five-minute increments, to account for the myriad office summonses; impromptu P.A. announcements; student proclamations of boredom, irritation, hunger, confusion, or rage; arriving students who are checking in to the school for the first time; false-alarm fire drills; and, finally, P.A. announcements assuring that the aforementioned fire drills were indeed false alarms.

When questioned as to the type of student who would enroll in an Ideas in Science course - one that is not sanctioned or approved as a standard science class by most 4-year colleges and universities - Hutton, after waxing pensive for several moments, said, "Probably the type of who's tagging his crew's insignia on your Armani messenger bag right now."

Indeed, when the inquiring reporter looked down to check his bag, he found that the words Kranky Boiyz had been scrawled across the front flap in black Sharpie. A colleague later pointed out that it had additionally been written across the back of his neck and, later, his forehead. 

Most students in Hutton's class had difficulty identifying their esteemed visitor, though one student, bored with the lesson, leapt to his feet and shouted, "Tell us a funny joke, Mencia!"

After his visit, the normally voluble Villaraigosa admitted to being shaken by the experience. "I have only three words right now: Wake...up...call." He continued, albeit with a snakebitten look in his eye. "And I know this is probably way T.M.I., but before today, I was debating as to whether or not I should get a vasectomy. Not anymore. I'm calling to make my appointment later this afternoon, so I should be snipped up and ready to rock by next Friday night." He then added, "Is it normal that, while I was around those kids, I could actually feel my sperm count plummeting?"

Upon his departure, Villaraigosa asked Hutton if there was anything that she needed in particular to be a more engaging, effective Science teacher. Hutton's response was immediate and terse. "All I've ever needed were three things, Mr. Mayor: Parents that take responsibility for their kids, an overhead projector that actually works, and five minutes between 7:30 A.M. and lunch in which I can sit down and take a dump in peace." Added Hutton, "Honestly, there's been days when things are so hectic, I'm this close to dropping heat inside an empty Kleenex box. Okay, so one day I did. And when students complained about the stench, I told them I was just microwaving broccoli."  

Villaraigosa said that, while he understands how teachers might feel an obligation to protect their own, he nevertheless ultimately empathizes with Cortines. 

"No, I don't. I don't side with him - not necessarily," contested the mayor. "Although, don't get me wrong, part of me does side with him - in a huge way. But, on the other hand, these teachers work their tails off every single day - I've seen it first hand. But the kids are the ones who suffer in situations like these. So, in this instance, I'm going to choose not to side with either the union or the district, but, rather the kids. Even though I have nothing against the teacher's union, which has down an outstanding job. Or the district, which is the crown jewel of California public school districts. So, once again, I'm not siding with either, but at the same time, I'm not against either, either. I just wanted to be clear on that."

Bratton remained adamant about the serious consequences that could face protesting teachers on Friday. But when asked as to whether or not he believes that force will be necessary to restrain the picketing masses, the sometimes irascible police chief waxed optimistic: "I honestly don't think it'll get violent - at first. And if that's case, we just might have to escalate things a little, LAPD-style." 

Inside a downtown warehouse, department officials and members of LAPD's vaunted S.W.A.T. unit prepared for Friday's civil unrest by testing a new crowd control device used to thwart unruly protesters. "It's an RPG," said one glowing official, who asked that his name be omitted from this article. "We black-marketed it from the Taliban in exchange for 17 crates of Double Stuff Oreos. It can take out an angry Sunni mob of up to 150 - or 200 high school English teachers."

If in fact the proposed district layoffs go through as planned, many current teachers will be replaced by district operatives who currently work in a variety of capacities at LAUSD's main headquarters. 

Peter Beasely, a district processing clerk, will be taking over for Diane Seabrooks, a Social Studies and World History teacher who has seen her students' test scores increase an average of 24 percent over each of her first three years in the classroom. Beasely, 54, formerly worked as a Health and Phys. Ed. teacher in the mid-1980s at Manual Arts High School until he was sentenced to a five-year prison term for owning and operating a Tiajuana cock fighting operation.

 

"First, they say I can't be around kids anymore," said a disconsolate Beasely." Then, they say I can't have white-out or rubber cement in my possession. Then, it's 'you have to wear long sleeves to conceal your she-rooster on a pogo stick tat.' And then, out of the blue, I can't snort angel dust out by the dumpster anymore. And now? Now they say I'm going to be teaching AP History come September. Do these people even know who I am? Even if you can somehow forget the cock fighting, and the Columbian heroin syndicate, and the male hustling, my range of teaching skill set lies somewhere between rolling out kickballs to a mob of crazy-ass 15-year-olds and completely faking my way through the teaching of the female reproductive cycle. In fact, I'm still not sure what a vulva is - and whether or not talking about is something that should get me horny."

Photo Courtesy of Zoonabar's Photostream on Flickr.com